F60.3

I was born in Kaluga and from early childhood I was very sensitive. At the age of 6, when I went to school, my father started beating my mother every weekend, it lasted more than 5 years. When I was 12 I already had 3 suicide attempts on my record. Both my parents were alcoholics, my mom was constantly missing and could go for weeks without coming out of a binge. At that time my father said that I was as scum as my mother and that he would kill her. At the age of 14, I started to consciously hurt myself. Self-harm helped me not to feel that raging pain inside and to transfer it at least to my body. Once it stopped working - I started using alcohol. But, after a while, the pain started to seep through as well. At 15, I tried drugs for the first time and I had already had 2 overdoses that same year. I had been using for over 5 years. The tendency to the most destructive behavior, feelings of inferiority and uncontrollable aggression started to show strongly by the age of 16 and I decided to see a psychiatrist for the first time. All they told me was, "You'll grow up, it'll pass." But it didn't. The eternal feeling of emptiness, emotional instability, and fear of being abandoned consumed me even more, and drugs were the only possible way to escape from the pain. I left home for 19 years and continued my search for what was wrong with me.

3 months ago I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). Now my norm is 4 pills a day, DBT groups on Wednesdays, 1 session with a personal therapist a week and follow up with a psychiatrist.

I also have to write down my feelings about my life every day by hand, this helps me to maintain a resourceful state between sessions.